Thanks, But No Trophies for Me

Back during the summer I watched as Rory McIlroy lapped the field in the U.S. Open. It was an incredible performance that likely will not soon be matched, either by him or anyone else. Afterwards, he posted a couple tweets with pictures of the US Open trophy. It made me think…


It’s good that I’ve never won any event like this. Really, it is.  It’s good that I have roughly zero athletic ability—or any other ability that might one day lead to the awarding of some sort of trophy or major award (yes, that IS a Christmas Story reference). Why is it so good that I’ll never win anything? Because I would be intolerably obnoxious about it. It may be sad, but it’s true.

I would never stop talking about winning the US Open. Never. I’d bring it up at weird times. “Congratulations, it’s a boy!” and I would respond, “This is an awesome day. Only slightly more awesome than when I won the US Open.”

“Would you like dessert today?” “No,” I would reply, “not today. Speaking of days, did you know it’s been 562 days since I won the US Open?”

And it wouldn’t stop there. I’d drive around with the trophy beside me in the car. I’d tell the story over and over of how I sank the final putt on the 18th green or how I ran away with the tournament and was able to coast in. However it played out, you’d hear about it again and again and again. Oh, and again.

I would be the consummate me-monster. “Hey, did you hear that Bob got promoted to partner in his firm?” “That’s great. It reminds me of when I won the US Open.”

“I’d like to toast the bride and groom. May your days be filled with as much happiness as I had the day I won the US Open.”

So it is a good thing that I’m a no-talent hack on the golf course, and the football field, and the baseball diamond, and the basketball court, and the soccer pitch, and the tennis court, etc., etc., etc.

You can thank me for my mediocrity later.